i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Bring me that man meat
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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