I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
