i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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