it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
