your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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