I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize