My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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