I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
