I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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