who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
