Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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