yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
