I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize