There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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