I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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