Pappa wants mamma naked
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
