I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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