i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
