Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
