just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize