I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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