i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
