So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
