You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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