i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
