I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Non-Jews are for practice
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
