I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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