Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
