he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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