I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
