Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
