I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize