I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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