Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
