The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
