We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
