She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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