Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
