I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
