hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
