I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
