I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
