my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
