How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize