I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
