I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize