No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
