i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
