even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My bed smells like the plague
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize