So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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