he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
