3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
