Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
