I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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