Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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