Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
