If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
