Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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