Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
