i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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