i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
