this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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