worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
