It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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