Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
