cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
