How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
