Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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