I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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