is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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